Bring me to my knees, oh Lord.

These past two weeks have left me feeling more exhausted than refreshed, definitely in a challenging kind of way.
My thoughts:

- My papa was in charge of a National Recovery Conference at The Grove and I got to be the photographer. The whole week before I was blessed enough to help with organizing some of it. I was so impressed with the amount of speakers and passion these men and women had for the broken, the divorced, ones who have lost and are grieving. I left after the second day telling myself I have to both: work with broken, torn down people. and just PEOPLE in general. I can not describe how intrigued I am by people, all of our quirks and imperfections make me fall more and more in love with Christ because HE has created us this way. It truly is beautiful.

I got to go to a class called "Finding and Maintaining YOUR life balance". Balance, a holistic view on life is everything I have tried to be in the past year. In 2008 I wrote down a list of goals for myself to do. Everything from planting my own vegetable and rose garden (checked that baby off the list last summer!), to learning how to paint, riding a bike successfully and being more disciplined. Although I didn't get to check off all twenty one I had for myself, I learned that having balance in my life makes me feel good about myself. It adds a sense of stability, comfort and confidence in knowing how to do different things. The speaker gave us this sheet with everything WE would like to be balanced in. Everyone had different areas that they wanted to achieve in, but in the middle of it was "JESUS". WHY? because, Jesus needs to be the middle, the core of every single thing you are doing. When I was planting my zucchini and tomatoes I was doing it with zeal! My blue post-it notes often control a typical day of mine, but if I haven't had my quiet time for the day my day will go absolutely NO where.
^
So with all of my thoughts I had in this class you would think those next couple of days I would be completely holistic, a little circle of balance. but it was the exact opposite, I was almost rebelling against everything I was taught. Not only was I not discliplined but I wasn't giving the Lord any of my time. I ended up breaking down by Friday, feeling empty and frustrated in myself. I sat in the park for two hours, completely humbled and then I realized that the Lord was teaching me how DESPERATELY I need him!!! How I literally can not function, go through a day intentional, mindful or full of hope without my time given to him first.

"Teach me to do your will, for you are my God. May your good spirit lead me to level ground." Psalm 143:10

With this also being said, I realized how many distractions are being thrown at us. How we are so easily swayed to the left and to the right. If we take our eyes off the Lord for even a short time, we are bound to not fully be producing our fruits.

This past week I started my new job and I am pressed for time in everything I need to do. It's another thing I am trying to balance, and it leaves me feeling a tad distressed and exhausted. but then once again I am being reminded: Am I giving the Lord my first fruits? Am I listening to him and being still? In constant prayer, dedication and admiration of all he does???


I leave you with a passage I wrote in my journal yesterday morning:
"Am I living my purpose, oh Lord? How am I living for you when I'm not communicating with you fully?"